Lately I've been feeling a lot of need to justify myself, what I do, how I allocate resources, and what activities I am involved in. Mind you, this justification doesn't usually take place in actual conversation with others as much as in my own head. I was tipped off to this pattern I have when I was getting my hair cut at the cheap hair salon chain down the road last week. Although I didn't actually say anything to the stylist to this effect, I was building my defense in my head. I somehow felt judged as not good enough there because it has been more than a couple months since I've been in for a cut and I don't go for anything too trendy or fun. Just cut the hair, ma'am. It happened again last week when I questioned whether it was enough "just" to be a mom, wife and homemaker without adding anything to the family's financial bottom line. And again today when I stood at our front door and explained to the salesman lots of reasons why I didn't want to purchase the baseball ticket package he was selling.
Why do I always feel the need to explain or justify the life I am living? Is it just that I am overly insecure? Maybe. But it is more likely that I am not resting in the grace of Christ, that He alone makes me acceptable and worthy. He has already been my justification so I don't need to seek acceptance in the opinions of others or trying to fit in to a culture that in many ways has gone crazy. When I am resting in His grace alone, I am both confident and humbled. In this position, I can work out the life He has called me to without being distracted by feeling the need to explain myself to gain acceptance or validation. He is more than enough to make me acceptable. And in that fact, I find freedom.