Hello 2012, Please Hold

Hello 2012! I've heard you were here, but I'm just not ready yet. It feels like life has been a little off kilter in recent months so I couldn't even get it together enough to make resolutions and I certainly don't feel like I have a grip or vision on this current year. Tough stuff going on with my family that makes my heart heavy for them. The loss of my dear grandfather less than a month ago. Weariness in the trenches of mothering and homeschooling. Physical tiredness from keeping up with a toddler and 3 big kids and growing the precious girl inside my womb. Celebrating Christmas, but not really "feeling" it this year. Finding it hard to make ends meet and provide what we want to for our family. Turning 35 and wondering who in the world I am and feeling some disappointment that I'm not really the gal I wanted to be, thought I would be by this age.

But this I know, for everything there is season (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8) and God is with me in whatever season I am in. He sees me. He has compassion and love for me. What a comfort! I serve and worship and rest in the God of grace, not in a god of "Come unto me when you get it together, girl, and then you'll be acceptable and worthy of my attention."

So maybe I am ready for this year after all. Ready for resting in the abundance of God's grace and provision for me, letting His Spirit and Word sustain me.

Come unto me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. (Matthew 11:28-30)

And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. (Galatians 6:9*)


*read all of Galatians 6 for better context

Weary & Worthless

I seem to be in a funk right now. My messy house mocks me. I'm lacking motivation. Time with my kids seems more difficult than joy-filled and life-giving. The budget is really tight. I'm so not ready to be starting back to schooling in just a few short weeks and fearing that I don't measure up as a teacher. I am fat and feel ugly and I am discouraged that I have always struggled with my weight. I'm really tired. I'm feeling like what is wrong with me that I just can't get it together?! Then I wonder if I'm the only one who feels this way because everyone else seems to be doing fine. And for some reason when all these feelings and circumstances are present I.just.feel.worthless. I've talked with my husband lately about this and he simply said to me, "It sounds like you're not believing the truth." The truth that God loves me. That He sent his own son for me to rescue me from sin and death. That He loves me even when I can't get my act together. Thank you, God, for love and acceptance that is not based on my performance!

...now for some courage to hit "publish".

Seeking Shelter

Yesterday afternoon the sky grew dim and the wind and rain came. I pulled out the weather radio which had been unused for a season and within 5 minutes the warning came with a tornado warning, one had been spotted on the ground and we were advised to take cover immediately. This threw my children into a frenzy and got this mama's heart pounding as I got us all to the the basement. We had sort of settled into our positions of safety when the phone rang and my husband reported that there was one spotted on the ground at a junction just a little over a mile from our home. We prayed and sang our Bible memory songs and I kept reminding the kids that God is our refuge. It was good to seek shelter, but even better to consider the strength and sovereignty of our God. To be honest, our basement is in a bit of disarray and while we made do, we should give a little more thought to its function as a shelter and clear out some space for that purpose for times like these. And I see an application in my relationship with God. I need to prepare my heart with His word and trust in Him during the calm so when the storms of life rage it is second nature to cling to Him.

The Good Life

Today I'm feeling very blessed by........children that are growing up together as the best of friends

...God's grace toward us
...covenant community
...a handsome and hardworking husband

...the privilege of being at home full-time to raise and teach these little ones that are growing up too fast
...a truly delightful baby.

In this season of giving thanks, I really want my heart to say, "Count your blessings, name them one by one, count your blessings, see what God has done."

Easter 2010

We give thanks for the Resurrection! Thankful for the sacrifice of Christ. Thankful for the hope of the gospel. Thankful for the local body of believers of which we are a part. And thankful for the blessings in this lifetime, too.

10 on the 10th

Well, I said I was unplugging, and I am, but wanted to join in on Meredith's 10 on the 10th.

I'm hoping my list will give me better clarity for the time I'm unplugged. So here's my 10 on the 10th: my top 10 priorities for the next 30 days.

1. Potty train our two-year old.

2. Finish the homeschooling year strong.

3. Go on a date with my husband. I wish that this didn't even have to be on my list, but there are many things which keep us from getting out alone regularly and we just really need that time alone, especially right now.

4. Keep laundry manageable, just a load or two done from start to finish every day, instead of letting it pile up and overwhelm.

5. Prepare my garden spaces for planting our vegetables when it is suitable to do so, mid to late May for this area.

6. Complete 4 craft/sewing projects...not sure what they will be yet, but the creative time energizes me and I feel like there is lots of time to think when my hands are busy.

7. Finish revamping my creative space so it is organized and inspiring.

8. Exercise hospitality. It has surely been lacking in recent months.

9. Be a supportive wife in many ways, and specifically doing some ironing for my husband each week.

10. Seek my Savior and the Word daily. My soul is thirsty and longs for his presence and I have not been rising early and finding other quiet times throughout the day to exercise even small amounts of discipline to come to him without distraction.

See you in a few weeks! Enjoy the springtime!

Unplugging

My heart is full of emotions these days, but my mind is not feeling clear or inspired. So I'll be taking a break for a while....to enjoy being surrounded by family this weekend, to complete tasks and projects that have been left undone for far too long, to gain perspective on priorities and calling, to enjoy the play of my children, and to relish in the never ending love and sacrifice of my Savior and the joy, anticipation and hope His Resurrection brings.

Have a joyous Easter!

Love, Encouragement & Conviction

I just wanted to briefly mention that I have been really encouraged by these sermons recently. It is a big series, but this one, this one and this one have been great food for thought so far.

Thanks to my friend from univeristy, Mindy, for mentioning this series on her blog!

ceramic heart above: after V-day sale at Hobby Lobby last year (maybe 30 cents?) rubbed with red stamp pad because I didn't have red paint, hung with ribbon

Casting My Cares on Him

I'll admit that for a couple months I have felt anxiety rising in my heart, in my mind and in my communication with others, focusing on the circumstances of life rather than the sovereignty of God. And we aren't experiencing dire straits here, just nagging worries and getting financially pinched a bit tighter every month even though we are trying our best to live sensibly.

As it turned out, I missed church this past Sunday to stay with our younger kiddos who were under the weather and unable to go to church. So, with the rest of the family tucked in bed tonight I started listening to this week's sermon in the comfort of our living room with an iced tea in my hand. (I do enjoy some benefits of this information age, and listening to sermons online is one of them.) This portion of Scripture is just what I needed to hear again (1 Peter 5:7). Without consciously noticing, I had stopped believing the Gospel and had begun to look to my performance or our bank account balance or any of a number of other things to make me feel secure. I needed this reminder tonight of His grace, His sovereignty, His love and care for me.

If you are able, please take time to listen to the sermon or download it to your MP3 player. We all need to preach the Gospel to ourselves and this is one way to do it.

Autism Awareness Month - Please Join in Prayer

Below is an e-mail I received from my sister recently. I thought about writing something on Autism Awareness Month with the prayer link you'll see below, but I think the words she writes are much more powerful and give a greater insight into the experience of a family living with the reality of an autistic family member. My six-year-old nephew Seth is autistic.

My sister's e-mail is below.

Dear family & friends,

I'm writing to thank you for all the prayers you've offered for Seth & our family over the past few years. I am confident that the prayers of God's people have carried us through the many challenging days of life with autism. April is Autism Awareness month and with this approaching I've had many emails arrive in my inbox with various programs and activities that will take place in observance of this focus in the coming month. The link below was attached to one such email that especially touched me with the focus on prayer for autism in the month of April. At this site you can print an April Prayer Thrust Calendar that gives specific areas for prayer for each day of the month. I receive daily devotionals from this ministry that have been a great encouragement to me and we would welcome you joining us in "Turning the Tide, A Prayer Thrust for Autism Awareness Month". The link is here.

Seth's progress continues to be slow, but we are working with a new doctor and are hopeful that this new relationship will help us get Seth further down the road. Tomorrow I travel to the doctor with Seth for his 2nd appointment with the new doctor. We've started 2 new biomedical treatments with this new doctor, but have several more to investigate and try. He continues with his in-home therapy program and speech and occupation therapy totaling about 25 hours a week, along with his homeschool lessons with me. He now has an assitive communication device (small, touchpanel computer that speaks for him), which he enjoys and uses quite a lot. His head banging and teeth grinding continue along with mild-moderate tantrums, depending on the day or week. We pray for God's intervention into Seth's life to bring healing, and recognize that ultimately God is the only One who can bring this about in his life.

Even though that report sounds a bit bleak, we are doing pretty well as a family. I think we've adjusted to the additional stress that autism brings to our lives and are able to have fun and joy in the midst as much as most "normal" families are able to. Life with kids is stressful for everyone, this is just a fact of life. Our two older children continue to enjoy school and are usually a big help with Seth, for this we are so thankful. We hope this email finds all of you doing well and trusting God for all you need. We covet your continued prayers and invite you to join us for this month of prayer. I'm sure we are not the only family you know dealing with this terrible disease; my heart and prayers go out to the families that don't have faith to carry them through this journey. Indeed families and children all over the world who are facing this challenge are in need of prayer. Thanks again for your prayers.

If you are so led, please join in praying and utilize the link above to learn more about the prayer needs of autistic children and their families. And please do pray for Seth, my sister and brother-in-law and their other children. They are on a hard, hard road and this disease has brought them great emotional, physical and financial stress. I know my sister will be encouraged by knowing that you are praying.

Sister, be encouraged today, knowing that your love and labor on Seth's behalf is not in vain! You're doing a great job and the way you love and serve Seth is such a testimony!

Grocery Hunting - The Power of 20 Bucks

Tonight I was so encouraged to have some downtime to meet a friend for coffee and just catch up. On my way home I was able to hit three grocery stores to gather up the best deals they were offering this week that fit our needs and small budget. I often do this with three young children in tow so this was so refreshing to be alone and to concentrate on my list, coupons and deals I hadn't planned on and to get in and out of the stores quickly. I had $19 to spend and I did, indeed, spend every dollar and some spare change, too, but this is what I came away with.
3 packages toilet paper
4 boxes of cereal
9 cups of organic yogurt
1 laundry detergent
1 marinated pork tenderloin
1 lb. butter
1 bag of Doritos
2 bags pistachios
6 lbs. bananas
1 1/2 gallons of organic milk
1 cup of soup
1 bag of lettuce

While this would not be enough to feed the five of us well for a week, when we combine these items with our well-stocked pantry we'll be able to get by and some of the items pictured will be used in future weeks. Also, please note that we do usually have more to spend on groceries so to the grandmothers of our dear children, please don't worry about us. :) Our kids will be nourished and no one will go hungry. With the exception of the Doritos and perhaps the cereal ($2.99 of the $19), these are pretty good foods - lean meat, organic milk, nuts, salad, fruit.

Total Spent: $19.70
Total Saved (according to receipts): $53.58 - It was actually more than this, though, because store computers don't seem to compute marked-down items as savings, such as the milk and bananas I purchased tonight.

So, why do I do this? I wish I could say that is for my own enjoyment and the challenge this is to me. Some days that is true, but moreso it is to achieve specific financial goals that my husband and I have set. The grocery budget is one of the few budget categories we have that has flexibility to be reduced.

And how do I do this? First, by the provision of God's hand and by His grace. The strategy I most often use is combining advertised sale items with manufacturer coupons (which are doubled at two of the three stores where I shop). Beyond that I am always on the lookout for marked down items, especially meat and dairy items. Tonight I scored the organic milk (which I had coupons for) for a total of $2.03 and 9 organic yogurts for a total of $2.25. And beyond that, yes, I do try to shop without children whenever possible.

I'm writing this post as a reminder to myself about the power of $20. It really can go far with some work and restraint. There were many deals advertised this week that I did forego because we did not have designated funds above the $19. How easy to spend $20 on dining out that will fill our tummies for one meal, to spend $20 on something for the home, to spend $20 on gas (what is that anyway, half a tank these days?!), to spend $20 on a lot of different things. But when times get lean, $20 at the grocery store or stores can go very far, even farther than the illustration above. Notice I even didn't include any beans and rice in this shopping trip and I will still have enough to make a week's worth of meal, rounded out with ingredients we already have on hand. I thank God for this reminder tonight. Even when I get discouraged, He shows me again that He has provided enough.

Under Pressure

We are certainly in a season of just keeping on keeping on, making small progress towards some goals, but not really getting anywhere fast. When we began our one-income sojourn coming up on 6 years ago there was surely a period of adjustment, but then life moved along pretty well. Now it seems hard again. Coupon-clipping and deal-hunting and cooking from scratch and always using-what-you-have rather than buying what would really work best gets tiring. My husband is working his tail off so we can save for a much-needed van replacement, and we just seem to be a bit, no, quite a bit, discouraged by it all. When we became a one-income family when Sportster was born, we were the first among our friends to do so and it felt a bit lonely. No one could relate. Though most friends have had mom come home from work, they seem to be faring well financially now (from what we can see as onlookers) and we are still struggling. Struggling not to live a life of luxury, struggling just to live within our means and fund necessary budget categories like groceries. Prices on many necessities of life have gone up and this pinches our budget a little further. No big family vacations, no furniture purchases in years, no high-end vehicles, no new wardrobes or haircuts over $12.95 or spa treatments, no big-ticket gifts, no vacation property purchases, no organic meat or milk delivered to our door, always saying no to our kids when they ask for something at the store. (By the way, those are all good things, if you have the money.) Yes, we have chosen this lifestyle so I can be home for our kids and attend to their needs and their hearts while they are young. But often the thing you know is right to do for your family is not the thing that is easy.

I was talking with a good friend's mother when Sportster was about 8 months old. She made the comment that it was such a worthwhile choice to stay home but that it is hard as you see others around you getting ahead because they have more resources for things. She spoke from experience and her comment really struck me at the time, and I think those words are even truer to me today, now almost 5 years later.

And often the lack of financial resources puts pressure on other areas of life as well. We could surely use more date nights to invest in our marriage, but then the cost of babysitting is a limitation for us. It would refresh me not to have to think about what was for dinner every once in a while and just go out to eat or order in. We would enjoy the company of friends more often if we felt some room in our budget to order pizza or if I wasn't embarrassed to serve them some of the low-budget fare we are used to eating. I may be more inclined to set up playdates if I didn't think about the cost of gas to arrive at the destination. There are many things that would add enjoyment and interest to our lives, but that we currently can't afford. Surely there are things from our two-income days which we could have done differently to better prepare us for this season, but overall our situation is not the result of careless spending and high living during those short years of being DINKs. Our current budget has been trimmed in all areas we know to trim, and still those cuts don't seem like quite enough.

Our needs are met and God has blessed us in amazing ways, but sometimes the burden of responsibility and knowing where every last penny is being spent wears me down. There are many others who are struggling more than we are. Sometimes I think it would help to know some of these folks so I would look beyond our own situation and focus on the needs of others. But I know these trials and struggles are increasing our faith and dependence upon God, the God who owns it all and who has provided for our needs out of his mercy.

If you are in this situation or have been, what encouragement can you give? What ways have you found to make the most of the resources you have been entrusted with? How do you find energy and joy to keep pressing on with the all the little things that make this lifestyle possible?

Retreat and Renewal

The weekend before last I had the opportunity to join women from our church on a women's retreat. I haven't really been involved in the women's ministry at our church, but my dear husband saw fit to sign me up. He thought I needed a break. And what a good break it was! It was the first time since 2003 that I've spent a night away from my children (except for being in the hospital to have another baby) so it was time. This is also the first time since about that time that I haven't been pregnant or had a baby so this was my chance to finally go. I had been telling my husband for months now that I have needed a break but when the time came to leave my kiddos I was the one crying like a baby. After I got over the trauma of leaving them, I really enjoyed the weekend of solid teaching, sweet fellowship, delicious meals served to me that I did not prepare or clean up after and a little downtime to rest, too. I came away really refreshed from the break from normal responsibilities and renewed in my passion for the Word of God.

Here are some photos from a hike I took with a friend on Saturday. When was the last time I've had a chance for a hike without pushing a jogger stroller or wearing a front carrier?! We thought this was a cool rock and reminded us of Jonah and the whale.

All in all, a great weekend! And a million thanks to my wonderful husband for caring for our children so I could go!

God Is In The Small Stuff, Too!

This run to the grocery store started like any other: rushing to get the kids to bed and then getting to the store as quickly as possible to pick up the essentials on my list. It is never a great feeling to arrive home from a trip to an empty fridge and need to go to the store, but such was the case. Anyway, as I was nearing the end of my list I headed toward the markdown section of the store just to see if there would be anything we could use. Only God could have orchestrated this bargain find! I stocked up because we did have the money in our account and this would not have to go on the credit card. The total for 1 box and 13 other packages of diapers came to $42.87 plus tax after coupons. These are things we really need now and will continue to need for many more months. God's provision sometimes catches me off guard.

And there was an even more important find tonight. It was the truth that God cares for us even down to our most basic needs like this and that I can always rest in His provision. I needed that reminder. Just last week I found a buy-one-get-one offer for packages of diapers and tried very hard to buy those diapers before the offer expired. I even went to the store three different times because they were out of stock and I was hoping they would restock soon. They never did restock and I came home from the final try a bit downhearted, feeling that even though I was trying to be resourceful my efforts were just not paying off. I was wondering why I even bother to try to save because it seems to be so much work and take time and energy away from other parts of my life. I was really striving to save, but I was not resting in God's provision for us. Does this mean I will give up my strategies to make the most of each dollar? Not entirely, but my perspective has changed. God will continue to provide for our needs and I will rest in that while doing what I can to be a good steward.

No Need To Explain

Lately I've been feeling a lot of need to justify myself, what I do, how I allocate resources, and what activities I am involved in. Mind you, this justification doesn't usually take place in actual conversation with others as much as in my own head. I was tipped off to this pattern I have when I was getting my hair cut at the cheap hair salon chain down the road last week. Although I didn't actually say anything to the stylist to this effect, I was building my defense in my head. I somehow felt judged as not good enough there because it has been more than a couple months since I've been in for a cut and I don't go for anything too trendy or fun. Just cut the hair, ma'am. It happened again last week when I questioned whether it was enough "just" to be a mom, wife and homemaker without adding anything to the family's financial bottom line. And again today when I stood at our front door and explained to the salesman lots of reasons why I didn't want to purchase the baseball ticket package he was selling.

Why do I always feel the need to explain or justify the life I am living? Is it just that I am overly insecure? Maybe. But it is more likely that I am not resting in the grace of Christ, that He alone makes me acceptable and worthy. He has already been my justification so I don't need to seek acceptance in the opinions of others or trying to fit in to a culture that in many ways has gone crazy. When I am resting in His grace alone, I am both confident and humbled. In this position, I can work out the life He has called me to without being distracted by feeling the need to explain myself to gain acceptance or validation. He is more than enough to make me acceptable. And in that fact, I find freedom.

Fighting Kid Consumerism...

...one shopping trip at a time!

Today we went out for breakfast and a little playtime for the kiddos at Chik-Fil-A. We were there later than the breakfast rush so it was super quiet and the kids nearly had the play area to themselves. It was quite an enjoyable time. I then decided to make what a thought would be a quick stop at the nearby big box discount retailer to pick up a few items they had advertised in their flyer as I am trying to plan ahead for birthday gift giving a bit better this year. This is where things went downhill fast. Soon Sportster got into a greedy mood and was asking for everything he saw. When I said "no," he followed up with "WHY can't I have this?" By the time we had repeated this conversation about 20 times I was about ready to have a meltdown myself. He was whining, on the brink of a full-blown tantrum and yelling from time to time. While at the store I was reminding him that we have so many things to be thankful for and encouraging him to be grateful, but he wasn't convinced. Even going down some of the food aisles caused some outbreaks. Why do they have to market cereal with the top preschool characters of the day right at a child's eye level?! Where does this leave a mother who occasionally wants to venture out to a store with her children? [insert exasperated sigh here]

We really want to raise our children to learn to be content and grateful, to understand the value of a dollar and also to understand marketing and how to be wise about purchasing based on your needs and not what the packaging, commercials or other people are communicating about a product. What we experienced today was a matter of the heart, namely, lack of contentment. And I can see this in my own attitudes, too, so it is definitely something our whole family needs to work on, not just the child in the above example. We've recently had discussions around the dinner table about how life is not about stuff, but about people and God. Apparently this message has not sunk in yet to our four-and-a-half year old. So we're back to the drawing board to work on ways to teach the virtue of contentment, and reteach it to ourselves. Here's a good reminder with which to begin this process.

Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where theives do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Matthew 6:19-21 ESV

Contentment, not resentment

I realized today I'm having a little trouble with having a heart of thankfulness. Okay, I'll be honest. I've been feeling like a bit of an underpaid maid these days and it is easy to focus on all the labor of motherhood and forget about the joy of it. Anyway, I was convicted today that it is only because of God's extreme blessing that I am able to be a mom to three precious kiddos. I need to make a choice to give thanks for His good provisions for my life and for my family as well as the struggles that He allows to mold my heart to be more like Christ. So, here are a few things I am giving thanks for, TODAY:
- God's grace that covers me and makes up for all the ways I fall short as a mom, wife, friend, and every other role I have.
- My little Sportster who is always asking "why". I am thankful he is trying to figure out the world around him.
- That Sister is finally on board with potty-training and healthy again after a recent flu bug.
- That Smiley is starting to sleep better again. He is a delightfully easy-going baby.
- That I have the privilege of staying home with my kids every day and witnessing their finest moments, comforting them through disappointment, and making home a place they like to be.
- God's word. I'm so excited to be beginning a study with other women on Galatians! Already just from the introduction, I just feel this could be life-changing.
- That my kids love each other and although they sometimes fight, they are genuinely concerned for one another.
- For a husband who supports me and rejoices with me on the good days of parenting and encourages me on the not-as-good days.
- For a church family that is feeling more like "home" all the time.

Thank you, God, for the life you have given me! I pray I would live it well for Your glory!